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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.