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The current period marks a full decade since the word “vanishing” hit the mainstream. At the time, the notion that someone could abruptly cease communication with a lover without any notice seemed like the peak of disrespect. How naive we were. In the ten-year span since, finding a mate has only become more perplexing – an frequently fruitless pursuit in awkwardness that is increasingly pigeonholed by social media lingo.

Zoomers, a cohort who matured during a loneliness epidemic, a male identity reckoning, and a coordinated assault on the freedoms of women and the LGBTQ+ community, faces a far messier terrain than their Gen Y elders could ever imagine. And so their dating glossary has grown more extensive and more deranged, with terms like “Shrekking” and “monkey branching” straining the boundaries of your sanity.

The following list is a comprehensive guide to the terms Zoomers is using to discuss romance, intimacy and the pursuit of both. To channel one of the year’s most enduring online sayings, by the conclusion of this glossary you’ll yearn to get back to God’s country – because wherever that is, it is free from “ideological catfishing”.

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A

Authenticity – According to Zoomers, romance's gold standard is presenting as your true, unfiltered self. You'll need it with that!

The Letter B

Avian theory – A social media test inspired by a methodology developed by couples researchers, in which you point out something minor – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and note whether your date's reaction is engaged or brushed off. If they show no desire to hear more about the bird, you two are doomed.

Mysterious girlfriend – Zoomers' response to the “quirky fantasy girl” trope of the early 2000s – but instead of having baby bangs, liking The Smiths and eschewing commitment, the black cat girlfriend focuses on her own needs while radiating mystery and self-sufficiency. (She could possibly have baby bangs.)

C

Chair theory – This signifies seeking out someone who supports you without being asked. If you entered a room, they would get a seat for you to take a load off.

Task-based bonding – A meet-up where two people connect while running errands, such as pet care or food shopping. In other words, how broke people in their 20s do low-cost romance in a post-cheap-date world.

Crashing out – Melting down when you feel swamped by life. You can spiral over a crush or split, venting all of your (unrequited) emotions.

D

Dink – Two incomes, no children. Once a signifier of 80s young urban professional excess, it describes partners who choose against having children to focus on their own well-being. Or because they cannot afford to become parents.

E

Open communication – The antithesis of playing it cool: embracing dialogue, transparency and vulnerability.

The Letter F

Indicators

• Danger signals – Behavioral traits indicating a prospective partner is bad news. Such as calling their former partners crazy, bad tipping habits, a love of Woody Allen films, a nascent DJ career …
• Green flags – These quirks confirm your decision to date a partner. For instance checking in to make sure you got home safely after a date, minimal screen time, having a proper bed …
• Beige flags – These usually describe specific, mostly inoffensive quirks. Such as being an enthusiastic birdwatcher, still carrying around a biro in their purse, paying rent in physical money …

Freak matching – When you meet someone who’s just as obsessive about documentaries about the second world war or DVD collecting or art or anything it may be, as you. Or, on the flip side, finding someone who despises the same stuff or individuals that you do (few things fosters intimacy faster than sharing a common enemy).

The Letter G

Geese – A musical group many young men likes.

Ghostlighting – Someone who pops back into your life after a length of ghosting.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is affable, accommodating and loyal. The uncommon boyfriend who is beloved by all of his significant other's friends, and a mysterious partner's counterpart.

Prolonged session enthusiasts – A mostly online community of men so preoccupied with masturbation that they attempt extended sessions, intentionally delaying climax so they can go on as long as possible.

H

Heterofatalism – A trend describing many women’s increasing cynicism toward straight relationships. It will come as little surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

High-value woman – An stereotype championed by online male influencer figures: a woman who is attractive, ever-comforting and contentedly domestic, who apparently has no ambitions of her own aside from satisfying her male partner. Perhaps now you’re beginning to grasp the whole “pessimism” thing better?

I

Ick factors – Arbitrary and frequently trivial dealbreakers that instantly extinguish any sense of interest.

“If he wanted to, he would" – Something to remember after you watch someone else get an extremely sweet display.

The Letter J

Jobs – These have not been this crucial in the romance landscape since the Wall Street era. For some women, a “man in finance” is the ultimate partner: a fleece-vest-wearing, Republican-coded guy who will provide (there’s a hit TikTok audio on the topic). Meanwhile the anti-capitalist crowd opt for partners in sectors they believe are being staffed by the more nurturing among us: healthcare workers, teachers or therapists.

K

Locking lips – This year, scientists learned that kissing has existed for 16 million years. But the era of kissing may be numbered since some gen Z want fewer intimate scenes in movies, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find cinematic romance authentic.

Light catfishing – Slight exaggeration. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using outdated (better) pictures of yourself on a online profile, or making your job sound more impressive than it is. Also known as {